Berubah

I keep complaining a lot of things has changed.
Only to realise, I am the one who changed.

It takes me so long to realise this.
I thought it is fine just to care about my heart, my feeling, my selfishness.
I thought it is fine just to live my life, ignoring others.
I thought it is fine just to receive, not to give.
I thought it is fine just to be me.

During the process, I feel lonely.
Real lonely. I laugh a lot during the day, just to end up with cry at the night.
I express my anger, but not my pain inside.

I just thought it is better not to share the pain because no one will understand.
Some are happened to listen but not to understand.
Some are happened to read but misunderstand at the end.
Thus I keep my fb and blog free from my internal emotion status/writing.
I just express what was on the surface without going deeper.
I complaint about things that I couldnt care much but leaving the core problem unexposed.
I am creating a shield.

Little that I know, I am loosing more.
Things are not getting any better instead it change the world surrounds me as well.
It gives me a new life, a new problem and a new experience.
Somehow, I dont wish to lose what I have before.

Tonight,
Under the full moon, I spent my lonely night with Su.
My bestfriend during my 2nd year.
My old memories catch me, only to make me realise, how far things have changed.

Thus, to dear who I have hurt, I am deeply sorry.
We apologized to each other so many times but things never turn like before.
Now I know, the problem is me.