Berubah

I keep complaining a lot of things has changed.
Only to realise, I am the one who changed.

It takes me so long to realise this.
I thought it is fine just to care about my heart, my feeling, my selfishness.
I thought it is fine just to live my life, ignoring others.
I thought it is fine just to receive, not to give.
I thought it is fine just to be me.

During the process, I feel lonely.
Real lonely. I laugh a lot during the day, just to end up with cry at the night.
I express my anger, but not my pain inside.

I just thought it is better not to share the pain because no one will understand.
Some are happened to listen but not to understand.
Some are happened to read but misunderstand at the end.
Thus I keep my fb and blog free from my internal emotion status/writing.
I just express what was on the surface without going deeper.
I complaint about things that I couldnt care much but leaving the core problem unexposed.
I am creating a shield.

Little that I know, I am loosing more.
Things are not getting any better instead it change the world surrounds me as well.
It gives me a new life, a new problem and a new experience.
Somehow, I dont wish to lose what I have before.

Tonight,
Under the full moon, I spent my lonely night with Su.
My bestfriend during my 2nd year.
My old memories catch me, only to make me realise, how far things have changed.

Thus, to dear who I have hurt, I am deeply sorry.
We apologized to each other so many times but things never turn like before.
Now I know, the problem is me.

Rahim yang merayau rayau

Waktu zaman sekolah dulu, dengar perkataan histeria pun dah cukup menakutkan.
Tapi tak pernah la alami sendiri. Keadaan dan suasananya pun just boleh bayangkan je.

Rahim yang merayau rayau?
Hysteria actually berasal dari Greek word yang bermaksud Wandering uterus (rahim yang merayau rayau) sebab tanda histeria ni just ade di kalangan wanita time tu.

Dulu, ustaz kate orang yang hati lemah je leh dapat histeria ni. So, sape rase die x kuat jangan gi dekat pun. Tengok mata pun x boleh.. Nanti jangkit.  Actually dalam medical world, memang wujudlah term hysteria ni, under psyciatric illness. It is actually kecelaruan jelmaan disebabkan faktor psikologi. Orang yang sedang alami histeria ni, biasanya memang hilang kontrol terhadap diri sendiri dan gangguan ni berlaku tanpa sedar.

Antara punca, hati lemah dan emosi rapuh, pengalaman pahit di waktu silam, kurang attention from family,simpan persaan benci atau dendam, tekanan dari sekeliling dan terkongkong.

Biasanya ia bersifat sementara aje n x perlu medical intervention. Pesakit tu akan stop bile die rasa letih. So support and counselling wise sangatla memainkan peranan. Bagi muslim, kita harus tenangkan patient dengan suruh dia ingat Allah dan rasul.

Hmmm. Semalam I stay kat HKB, teman my auntie yang just delivered a very cute baby.. Tengah2 malam dalam pukul 3am gitu, dengar orang jerit. Suara tu lain.. pelik... pelik dari biasa.. I know sebab I wasnt sleep at all during that time. Nurse yang terjaga bangun n bukak lampu n tanye suara siapa tu. Hmm, pesakit lain pun terjaga. Semua cite hantu yang mendap dalam otak I ni start legar2.. Pastu, I dengar ade satu suara baby ni nangis tanpa henti. sayup sangat. It was like from another ward. Tapi ntahla... x leh nak detect.. Patient lain semua sambung tidur. I dont know la kalau dey all can really go to sleep. As for me, suara bebi tu da buat I remang suda. Sib baik lampu tu, nurse biarkan terbuka sampai pagi.

I baca ayat Qursi.. Moment like this buat I teringat kat my bestiest, Nisa. Dia berani. Dia yang ajar I jadi berani. Dia kata, kite jangan takut sangat dengan bende2 macam ni. Lau takut pun buat2 berani. Bende tu x tau kite takut kat dalam hati. Tapi takyah berani over la. Dia siap ajar I lagi, pergi koridor ke, cakap dengan angin, "jangan kacau aku weh!, aku nak tido ni, ngantuk! jangan kacau.. jagn kacau.. shuh..shuh..! Tapi tak payah la nak pujuk rayu contohnye macam" tolongla... tolong jangan kacau akU"... kena tegas sikit..

I pernah buat few times bile I rase takut. X deny la, time buat tu, takut macam kambing tunggu nak sembelih, tapi ntahla, after that, really relieved and siap ley sambung tido lagi.. Hmmm, psikologi kot... hahaha..

Eh.. kenape cam da melalut ni.. Hahahaaaa... Actually I am damn sleepy sebab x tido lagi ni, tapi sengalnye da terminum segelas nescafe n macam kambingla nak tido.. Nescafe owes works best 4 me... So I was in sedative mode.. Khayal n rase nak melalut panjang panjang.. Muahahahhaha....

Mess, not a mass kaaaayyy~

I keep, I treasure, I care.
Once I mess it, I just dont know how to fix it back.
My mind tells me, it is easy.
I listen, I do as what I was told.
But nah,  I am surrender.
I just cannot force my muscle and my heart to work coordinately with my mind.
Maybe, yeah, my heart doesnt want it as much as my rational wants me to.
My heart keep saying, dont dont dont dont.
My mind block it and reply, solve it solve it solve it and you gonna be happy!

Oh, I am just a girl who stuck in between.
And for now, I just let my heart win.

..................................................................................

Tadi pegi review result thyroid function test kat PKP
although I dah trace pun result tu sendiri kat ward.
So resultnye everything were normal ;TSH n T4 in normal range.
So maybe, what I have is intention tremor.
But still, it impaired my life eventhough in not so serious way, you know.
Thus dr had referred me to neuro. Oh another thing to work out.
I had history of MVA and got stitches done in my head.

Oh maybe what I have is some neurological damage.
OMG! I should settle my debt with people first.
Nad, i hutang McD, Ajeng, i utang singgit, MPKB , i utang parking; receipt in my dashboard kete.
Tapi asyik lupe je nak bayar bile nampak adik2 manis ni..
OMG OMG OMG.... macam nak sepak2 je muke ni bile fikir karut2 macam ni..
Btw sis, the debts things were true...

AHHH!!! malasnye nak gi kelas... mood cuti suda~
k daaaaa~

A moment

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Kami budak group 2.

Group yang jarang outing same2.

Group yang banyak tikam tikam lidah.

Gaduh depan belakang kiri kanan.

Tapi time gelak, semua gelak kuat kuat sampai tak tahu mana lelaki mana perempuan.

Setiap orang ade perangai masing2. Ade yang I x suke , ade yang I suke. Tapi everyone pun is like a peanut with hard shell, but crunchy inside. Orang kata tak kenal maka x cinta. Tapi nak kenal tu, its a long time process. Ah , x kisahlah. Janji  jujur. x kutuk belakang2. Tapi time kutuk depan2, sakit woooo... Perang dunia!

I have never share my food and my drinks with non muslim before. Tapi dengan Tamil I banyak kali buat dah. Dengan die, I rase die cam Malay je. Sebab die memang kawan ngan dak Malay pun. Wife no 4 Ajeng tuuuhhh...hahha

Tapi gambar ni x complete ...HAmpir half lagi xde... Hmmm... entah bile la leh semua outing same2.. Kami semua suke wat hal sendiri... Kawan pun bergroup group x macam group lain.. Tapi setahun dengan diorang banyak kot memories... Satu hari mesti rindu.. Masing masing ada perangai comel yang ntah hape2...

TRW... You RoCKZZZ!!!!

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Lame btol x keluar ngan geng nih...

Ni pun ade yang xde.. sebab tengok bola...

Ore kelate key... semangat tetap ade...

Masuk 5th year nih, kami a bit terpisah suda..

Yelah, group posting lain2 kan...

Asal plan nak wat gathering, sure2 ade halangan nye..

Siap ade yang merajuk nak kuar geng dah... hahhaha =D

Sibuk dok kipas2 kain... Girlz kalo shopping same je macam makcik2 beli lauk kat pasar.. ape yang dipilih pun x tahu... mintak je ikan segar sekilo, kan senang.

Cerita pasal gadis merajuk tu.

Dia x tahu, ramai yang kecik hati bile die cakap die nak kuar geng.

Die patut rasa happy bile kami kecik hati,

Itu tanda kami sayang die... ecewahhhh... gittewww~

Tapi see, ukhuwah kalau kita bina atas dsar ikhlas dan untuk capai redhaNya,

dicarik carik pun tetap akan tercaantum akhirnya.

I pegang pada satu prinsip ni,

ni kawan I post kat wall post die;

kadang ukhuwah x perlu dirisaukan.
kerana ia hanyalah akibat dari iman.
hakikatnya yg calar bukannya ukhuwah kita.
tapi iman-iman kita yang sedang sakit.

Hmmm... I ade wat mistake,

with a friend of mine.

I hurt her pride in front of my other friends.

Tapi during that time, ntahla... loss control sikit..

U hurt me, but still I know it is not the best way to act.

Hmmm... I just hope U x marah I lame2 sebab I pun x pandai nak marah lame2.

Tapi pengajaran untuk kite berdue, plis dont repeat the same mistake.

and dont take everything so easy.

Bunga api bile TRW muncul juara Piala Malaysia... I baru sibuk2, cari jersi Kelate... Yelah, b4 grad ni, naklah officialkan diri sebagai ore kelate...hehheheee

One thing U all kena tahu.

Sekali I sayang, susah untuk I benci.

Whatever yg happened pun

Gaduh ke, kena tumbuk ke.. Sakit hati ke..

Kebaikan U all xkan terhapus oleh dosa semalam..

gitteewwww~

P/s : I sayang my parents n sibs

0&G

The most hecting posting... I dont know y..
Balik tengah hari mesti kena take a nap dulu, kadang2 petang pun boleh tido lagi lps balik klas.
Malam tido jam biase, bangun pagi pun awal 30 minit je dari biase...
Makan pun bergande2... pagi kena breakfast, lunch wajib, petang pun wajib..
Kadang2 malam kena add on megi lagi. makanan rapu2...kunyah2...
Tapi kenapa still sangat PENAT!

Tapi Alhamdulillah, first oncall dah, long case pon dah, write up bakal menyusul..
Just tinggal seminar n HKB oncall untuk dis week.
Next week, I gonna have more free time, Yezza!

Ni first baby yg I sambut dalam 5th year ni.. Baby girl... cute kan... muke macam shin chan sikit...air liur meleleh tanak henti...

Baby ni dalam oksigen tank... asyik makan towel je die... lepas tarik, die isap lagi... sedap ke rase towel tu dik?

Giler punye cute bebi ni... mata sepet macam ayah die... macam anak orang eskimo dah...

Ok.. Ape2 pun o&G memang best sbb all those cuties bfs n gfs... kalo u all xde, mmg kambengz je posting ni...

Medical end of posting

Huh... What a day~
Finish my long case as well as my mcq.
stress day? yeah, alot have happened today.
Thanks to my beloved ketua... U berjaya cracked my head, break my lacrimal gland, kill me apart.
hahaha...
debush debush debush... sepak sepak masuk tong sampah.
Hari ni dah curse banyak.
so stoplah... lepas ni xnak cakap ngan die unless needed je.

exam pun dah habis. tengok prof ma sejuk je hati... hilang takut.
a very humble man.
Yeay, da ade exp lepak bilik die 3 kali.
syok2.

Oncall.
last oncall malam ni dengan Dr Wan Yus.
Kagum.. Cool, kelakar, awesome n lepak lepak je.
Hari ni chronic diarhea patient... 5 bulan dah diarhea.
cachexic lagi... ops! ade oral candidiasis.
Hahahaaa, dr kate ade 2 patient je yg kite jumpe dalam ward yg ade oral candidiasis...
Pertama, very severe n long standing DM, second is HIV.
Ok, chronic diarhoea= HIV... jangan lupe you~
ops cxr ade consolidation at both right and left apex... TB... oh wow..
order CD4 n CD8. huhu~
btw, wife die cantik~

ok. hari stress dah berakhir. gi seleb dengan makan nasi sup perut ngn k.azwa kat lorong.
ok, now super duper kenyang dan ngantuk.
n ketua pesan esok kena datang cpc.
orait bos!


its the day~ :)

Dia yang faham

Terima kasih sebab faham.

Terima kasih sebab sayang.

Terima kasih atas didikan.

Selalu faham. Selalu je tahu. 

Sejauh mana aku sorok. Secool mane aku act, die tetap tahu.

Dia nampak ke? Atau aku je yang tak pandai sorok.

Dulu, aku ingatkan die tak tahu.

Tapi die tahu, malahan dia lagi faham.

Semua orang pun camtu.

Tahu tapi pura pura tak tahu.

Sebab mereka faham apa yang aku mahu.

Dia tahu aku sendiri dalam hidup yang ramai.

Dia tahu kalau aku sedih dalam ketawa.

Dia tahu bila masa aku ketawa dan bila aku ingin ketawa.

Dia tahu rupanya.

Ah, itulah seorang ibu.

Ada mata yang nampak segalanya.

tetambing

Sumpah malu.
Tadi terjatuh time keluar satu bilik ni.
Socks licin. nasib baik, reflect I cepat sempat pegang tombol pintu so jatuh ala2 ayu je gitu.
Ade dua orang budak sekolah rendah ade dekat situ.
"Adik, cam akak x dengar korang gelak.. kambing tol la." Sib bek Ko budak je. cute2 plak tu.
Oh, ade satu lagi abang berbaju USM.
I nampak U macam cover senyum je. Oh, sib baik U x gelak kuat2 macam itu budak juga ada.
Da lame kot insiden camni x berlaku... haish!

Good vs Bad.
adik besar, jgn tanye kenape akak camni.
jangan teka pun. sebab ape yang kita assume is not the correct answer most of the time.
Kalo x faham tanye k.
eh2, tadi kate jangan tanye.

Tadi gi check attendance ngn kawan.
Ade 4 kali x datang kelas.
alamak cane ley lebih satu ni..
Department bg ponteng 3 kali je tanpa sebab.
U yg ckap I x risau tu tipu je. I risau k.
But the more we talk bout that, the more I worry.
So let just me handle my things.
Oh FYI, I have my own prinsip gak kaayyy...
I buat silap, I tanggung la.

Ok. Hari ni memang I a bit stress  gak.
So, bile report I siap esok, yeay! Its d time to enjoy.
Ok, next week I exam ( =.= )